Failed Talk Show Host and Naked Man with Headphones

This was my entry for TOIWriteIndia contest for Ashwin Sanghvi. I did not win,of course, but placing it here for posterity.

Failed Talk Show Host and Naked Man with Headphones

The Failed Talk Show Host

If you google me, or wiki or even simply ask around - everyone will tell you I got done over by a nude man. My whole life was ruined by an unclad man choosing to shake, jive and jiggle. My legacy would never be all the good work I had done instead it will be a laughable story of my downfall. My wife keeps telling me the actual people at fault are the guardians at the censor board. My friends keep blaming the moral police and my assistant points her angry pout at the broadcasters. But I know best, I know it was all him. It was the naked man with headphones. To put things in perspective or may be to seek your sympathy, I will tell you of all the toil that that man had caused offence.

My father was a light technician at a local small time theatre. It had seats for only 40 people, it put on shows only twice a week, it had a stage that could fit all the actors only if they stood in two rows when they took a bow and it had only two focus lights. My father was in charge of those two stage lights. Every month we barely escaped living in squalor and the month my father brought news that the theatre might close down we all cried as a family contemplating a bleak destitute future. Then things changed. A new man joined as the lead and by sheer force of his magnificent performance the theatre started selling shows. I had opportunities to watch that man closely during his ascent. People felicitated him where ever he went, the press was always around asking questions and taking pictures and play writers, directors persistently sought his time. By year end, the theatre made so much money that it went in for a renovation and upgrade. By the time the new building was inaugurated my father was no longer in charge of just two stage lights, but in fact he was in charge of a team of technicians working with state of the art lighting equipment. By the time the new building was inaugurated we moved to a better house, we ate better and we no longer counted the days till stocks ran out and we had to buy food on credit. That man went on to achieve many remarkable career milestones however to me he was always the man who saved my family from poverty. That is when I decided to become an actor. I could think of no other profession which I had reason to celebrate.

I did not start with theatre. I started with a television commercial for an easy to make noodles product. I was not even the lead, I was just the guy at the end of the commercial eating noodles his wife mightily presented and went – ‘Yum’. I do not remember the name of the product nor do I remember how much I was paid for it but I do recall that Yum. That led to many other commercials and a long stint as a tele shopping host and I started considering myself a working actor. However I had ambitions for movie roles. I had wrongly assumed my comfort with cameras and all the other process would set me apart from the other inexperienced hopefuls. For years I could not get anybody interested in having me in their production.  Then finally a new director offered me the part of a comic side kick to a very masculine main character. The movie went on to become a commercial success and I became a household name. Directors started offering me comedy and I greedily lapped them up. The novelty of playing a comic paradox to the wisdom of the lead, the consequent fame and money soured inevitably. I wanted meatier roles and lost all credibility by playing the lead role of an edgy policeman. That movie failed brutally and I was dismissed. Literally, dismissed from the industry! I never acted in a movie ever again.

Years of addiction to nicotine and self-pity went by in humiliating, hurtful pace. Then finally like a saving grace this new job fell into my lap. It was a lead role nonetheless. Even better, they wanted nobody else but me to play the part. I was to be a host for my very own talk show. It was to be a mix of comic commentary on everyday life followed by insightful interviews with celebrities. I would be tasked with performing all the comedy and also all the interviewing. For one hour every Wednesday night from 9pm I would grace the television sets of every home in my country, with possibilities of reruns internationally. I felt like this was my theatre moment. I would become that man who changed the destiny of himself and many around him with his talent. Two months into the development process the broadcasters showed genuine faith in me by deciding to broadcast the show as live TV. Once that decision was made, sponsorship increased manifold. With all that money flowing in we could hire talented directors and technicians and my contract was renegotiated with prettier numbers and perks. We also got a swanky studio. It was on top of a building from where you could see the entire city and to aggressively demonstrate the “Live TV” concept, the full show’s background would be a floor to ceiling glass wall with a voyeur’s view of a living, breathing city. The first episode was aired and received positive reviews.

The show got cancelled after the second episode.

And that is why I am here. The nervous tapping of my feet was gone and I smell rancid due to all those cigarettes I smoked while I waited. But the wait is over. I knew where he stayed and I knew what he looked like. I had watched the video time and again, I had watched the YouTube videos as well and his face was etched in my memory. Finding the exact building proved tiresome, however after days of scoping around the same neighbourhood I am right where I should be.  I could see him walking towards his building and I softly patted my pocket to ensure that the gun was still present. I pulled the hoodie over my head and tugged it lower on to my face. It was late into the night and dark but I could not risk attention. I observed him carefully as he walked to the door. I knew that time was running out but suppressed the urge to check my watch. I took a deep breath and started counting in reverse under my breath. "Ten, nine, eight, seven..."

The Naked Man with Headphones

It is weird when the world doesn’t know your name but they do know what you look like naked. And the strangest fact is I am the only person responsible. It was meant to be a harmless prank. It wasn’t even meant to be a prank just a weird crazy idea that struck me while I was watching the show’s first episode. I noticed that you could see my building in the background. It was not really in focus or highlighted but yes, you could see my building if you paid attention. If you knew where I lived you could also point out my exact apartment – fourth floor, left wing. I immediately blasted all my friends with the information. None of them believed me and one of them asked me to wave a hand from the window to prove it. It was at that tragic moment, it came to me that I could do one better.

The next week when the show was about to start I was ready. I took my phone and plugged it to my huge headphones, which cover not only my ears but large portions of my head. One of my friends had named it my Minotaur headgear and I had painted it red for the occasion. On introspection I realize it seems like I had put in a lot of thought into the activity. I put on my headphones and stripped down to my boxers. When the show was about to start I turned on the show on my phone and stepped onto my balcony. The welcome music was on and the cameras were focussed on the live band. The host had not yet stepped into the studio as the upcoming attractions of the episode were being screamed with glee. Finally when the name was spoken with a rising cadence the host stepped into the light. Applause and drum beats died down as he greeted everyone. I could not see my building as he was blocking the view and performing his comic routine. I started dancing meekly pretending to be a guy listening to his favourite song on his phone. I didn’t know how much time the camera might focus on the area which covered my building and even if I had mere 2 second window I did not want to miss it. Twenty seconds went by and the guy did not move from his position. My building was still not visible and I had started to feel annoyed. I am not sure what prompted me to get naked. I promise you that was not the original idea. I stripped off my boxers and picked up the rhythm. I started doing all the crazy dance moves I had seen on TV and films. I did the chicken dance, I did the running man, I did the Gangnam style and I did the hump-whale. Finally when I started to feel tired, I just jumped up and down. By that time I was so involved that I did not even check on my phone if any of my antics are even visible on the show. After about 2minutes of my craziness I went inside, sweating and exhausted. And then I started getting calls.

I was visible on the show. I was on air for only about 10secs before the host stepped sideways to block the view. However my friends knew who it was as I had forewarned them of my plans. They started calling in, everyone screaming and shouting. We had a good laugh and for a while I was the most popular one in my group. I had later watched it on a YouTube channel – it wasn’t obscene, you couldn’t really see my face or genitals but yes it was obvious there was a naked man dancing in a building in the background. For a while it was a hilarious video being shared and commented on heavily in social media. I would be lying if I said I was not feeling proud.

This was before an official complaint was made.

Apparently one family was having dinner at that moment with the television on and their child was traumatised as a result of a tiny blot in the background! Things snowballed from there on. There was a huge outcry all over media about how unregulated television was and how someone should be held accountable in order to set order in the world again. People started complaining about things that were never really there – someone said they could make out a penis very clearly, another said if the censors ignored this the next episode there would be a couple having sex in the background and then another said it was a publicity stunt by the network to get more viewers. The show producers, the host and the network executives were brought in for questioning by the censor board. No amount of apologies from all the parties involved in making the show was satisfactory for the hounds. Just two days after the complaint was made, the sponsors started pulling out. On the same day the network cancelled the show, paid a huge fine and took out expensive ads in every form of media apologizing for offence caused. And still the hounds were not sated. Someone in censor board made a statement acknowledging the correct steps taken by the network and subtly suggested that the dancing, naked man with headphones should be criminally charged with indecency.

My life turned upside down. My friends were worried and everyone suggested I leave town for a while. The video clips on social media were all blocked and the papers started soliciting suggestions from the public to identify the culprit. The network had brought in investigators and handed over all the tapes they had of the show. News channel started tracking the investigation and interviews with the people involved suggested they have narrowed down the area of the building. That is when I left town and went back to my parents. My parents were surprised to see me and pretty soon figured out that something was amiss. When I told them everything everyone in my family was against me. My mother was horrified that her son could do something like that and for days refused to look into my eyes. My father was furious and was persistently screaming at me for bringing shame to the family name. I found the reactions unfair and was needlessly defensive. I felt like I had made a porn movie with my name displayed in magnified fonts on the poster. I got fired from my job for taking an unscheduled break of three weeks. My friends started avoiding me, as if they feared being guilty on account of association. It took one full month and another public scandal for the country to forget about my genitalia and my dance moves.

It has been two weeks since I returned. Attempts at getting my old job back or getting a new one was proving difficult. I was getting drunk every night and tonight was no different. Tonight I was at a local pub drinking alone well into the night. I was pretty high when I staggered towards the front door of my building. I turned around when I heard someone call out – Hey you!

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