This is my entry for TOI Write India contest for Subramaniam's prompt.I did not win ofcourse, but putting it here for posterity

Futility of Human Relationships

By Somak Dutta

That man is a social beast is no secret; even Adam amidst all the nectar in the Garden of Eden still craved for a honey pot. We have had a lot of learnings from the Adam and Eve story, for example, the original sin. My favourite learning is this - when you are nude, and if future generations choose to tell your stories they would paint you with some very unflattering leaves around your play zones! My treatise is not about their fashion. In fact it is something far deeper and overlooked by everyone. The fact that god created a solo Adam is testament to the fact that he did not consider it necessary to provide companionship. According to God a beautiful garden with food in abundance and birds and animals abound was plentiful. God only conceded to creating an Eve when a naked Adam starting throwing a vinegar puss, howling and crying. However, I believe God had left a serious loophole. The manufacturing defect was not the decision of one or two and the manufacturing defect was not the creation of Eve. The huge defect was the creation of the urge inside us for another human being. And that urge my friend, is the cause of all our concerns and all our problems.

Most of you might argue that Eve was critical for the sustenance of the human race. To which I answer, who is to say that Adam was the final rolled out product. Maybe Adam was just a prototype out on a test drive. Maybe, just maybe, if Adam had shut up God would have been able to roll out a better version of human beings. One who is built to outsmart the weather, survive through hunger, and someone who feels no pain and is smart to a fault. In short, if Adam hadn’t thrown a sissy fit we would all be Rocky. Or maybe, just may be God would have made other reproductive innovations.

So the crucial learning from the Adam-Eve story is that, God didn’t think it was necessary to create a man and his companion. Adam’s partner was an afterthought. I am just saying that we are designed to be screwed over by our quest for companionship and all the tortures it brings forth once you have it. Adam was screwed because he cried for a partner, hell he gave a piece of his rib in search for a Facebook buddy. And once he had her, he (and every other forthcoming generation) got screwed when they lost the Garden of Eden.

In order to establish my point I would provide three evidential stories from real life. I do believe, after reading through the following three case studies you would also conclude that human relationships are futile.

Case Study #1: Bitch

What the hell is going on between my husband and that bitch?' Maya's patience was at its lowest ebb and she was ready to burst.

Sanjay knew that she was serious. 'Look, Maya. There is nothing going on between the two of them. Just a little bit of healthy flirting, I'd say.'

'Flirting? Healthy flirting? Really Sanjay . . .' she rolled her eyes in disgust. 'That's what you men call it? There is nothing healthy about flirting, Sanjay, not for a married man.

Healthy flirting is a term introduced by perverted men who want to lend legitimacy to their extramarital dalliances. Flirting invariably has a sexual connotation to it.' She got up from her seat and walked around the room gesticulating and muttering something to herself. Suddenly she stopped, turned back, looked at Sanjay and asked, 'Did my husband sleep with her? You are his friend. Did he ever tell you anything about it?'

Sanjay’s was nestled cosily in the leather couch. His eyes were following Maya. She was in the black lingerie he had always liked and yet he couldn’t focus on her body. Instead he noticed her every step, her agitated body language and he listened carefully to what she had to say, paid attention to her rising cadence. He knew he was not getting any sex tonight. He took in a deep breath and got up. As he was putting on his briefs Maya frowned at him and asked ‘What the hell are you doing? Why are you getting dressed?’

‘Maya, look, you are not yourself and frankly all the talk about your husband is not really helping here.’ Sanjay grabbed at his crotch and grinned sheepishly. Maya knew what he meant.

‘Argh! You men! You are as weak minded, ill resolved as the very thing that makes you a man.’

She crossed her arms across her chest, walked past him and stood by the window. She was looking at the well-lit and busy street below her apartment. Traffic was unusually light today and cars were wheezing past in good pace and in an orderly fashion. Maya could almost feel elation in the street below, in stark contrast to the chaos she felt inside. Sanjay came up to her and wrapped his arms around her hips. He nuzzled her neck and gave her a soft kiss right by her ear. She took his arms and placed them on her breasts, pushed her head towards him and brought her lips close to his. She felt his warmth on her body, his breath on her face and could see the surrender in his eyes. As they kissed, she could feel his crotch against her back. Maya forgot about her husband and his bitch on the side. She turned around, took off her bra and pushed Sanjay towards the bed. As she pulled away his briefs she heard Sanjay muttering in pleasure- ‘Oh you sexy fucking bitch!

 Case Study #2: Piss Party

Zoe had done it. She can now cross off an item from her bucket list. She had finally thrown a party where she had invited people she absolutely found despicable. To her immense surprise, a lot many had actually turned up. Some had come up to her, chatted with her and pretended as if it was a normal party. Some had come up to her and actually apologized for their actions since they misunderstood the party’s invitation as the first step towards reconciliation from Zoe. Some had refused to come and talk to her, instead sat in a corner, consumed free food and alcohol and gave her cold, nasty stares. Zoe did not mind, in fact she found this party to be quite therapeutic. The bile she had inside of her for these men and women was finally leaving her, and she did not have to be mean or vengeful. All she had to do was throw a party.

It was Zeb’s idea. She looked at him, arranging the food on the table, cleaning up the mess and making sure everyone was comfortable at her own piss party. He was his usual self – calm, funny, warm and mindful of everyone around him. She and Zeb had been friends since they were 5 years old. They had been to the same school, same class and grown up with same friends. Zeb was her first crush; to be sincere he was her first love. Unrequited, though. A few years into her pretend fantasy of being friends with him but imagining her entire life with only him, Zeb told her he was gay. She had reacted kindly, even feigning delight. However it took some months for them to retune their relationship in light of the truth. It was not easy. She had to mend her broken heart while at the same time try not to be angry at the one who broke it in the first place. She knew that Zeb was faultless. However the innocence of her dear friend provided her no comfort. She got out of it eventually, and they were in a good, a very good friendship.

Zoe and Zeb were inseparable. Zoe mattered to Zeb more than any man he had ever dated and the same could be said for Zoe. A few years into this new relationship, they both realised that each other was as good as it would ever get for the both of them. Even if Zoe got married, and Zeb found the love of his life, it would not compare with the relationship they had with each other. That is when they decided to come up with a bucket list. Many items matched – they both wanted to visit Machu Pichu, they both wanted to mend their relationship with their parents and they both wanted to see Aurora. One item in Zoe’s list was to provide comeuppance to all the people she hated. Zeb came up with the logical solution to throw a party, invite all those people and at the end give them a parting gift which would say in no uncertain terms, they were no longer welcome in her life. Zeb had picked out the parting gift, a pretty white candle and an accompanying card which said – ‘Sad to have known you. Please get out of my life. May this evening forever serve as a reminder not to get in touch.’ The card was signed – Love, Zoe. The entire paraphernalia was packed in a bright red wrapping paper with exquisite ribbons and curls. It was all Zeb, as always everything flawless in her life was Zeb.

As people left, Zoe handed over their parting gift at the door. People accepted it gracefully, said a few social banalities and departed in peace. Zoe said her final good byes to many annoyances. Her second cousin who never hid his intentions to sleep with her, her previous colleagues who had made her life hellish with constant office politics, her neighbour who persistently snooped and the men in her life she had attempted to date. One by one they all left and Zoe felt a lightness in her heart she had not felt in years. Finally it was only Zeb in her apartment. They looked at each, Zeb winked at her and walked towards her. They clutched each other’s hands and looked at each other.

‘Happy?’ Zeb inquired.

‘More than I could ever imagine.’ Zoe responded with a warm smile.

‘Ok sweetheart, I need to leave now. The remaining crumbs of the party’s mess are for you to clean up. See you tomorrow.’ Zeb kissed her on her cheek, took his jacket and proceeded towards the door.

‘Zeb, wait a moment please.’ Zoe called after him. She took the final red box and handed it over to Zeb.

Case Study #3: Tom

Tom sat surrounded by representatives from SEC, CFTC, US attorneys, and of course his own team of lawyers. And every single present was engaged in heated arguments. He had his head in his hands; he felt very warm even in the peak of UK winter and his gaze was fixed at the unending slab of files, papers and multiple recording devices strewn across the giant mahogany table. He tried very hard to revisit his dream wedding and his romantic honeymoon on beautiful, sunny Trinidad. However the cacophony in the room and the severe pressure he was under was making it impossible. Finally he snapped, slammed his fists on the table to an audible shock across the room and stormed out.

He locked himself in the men’s room.  He splashed some cold water on his face and sat down on the floor. He wished he had never given up smoking, he wished he had never wilfully manipulated the rates but mostly he wished he had never been caught. He had been performing this game for the last 15 years, amazing career defining fifteen years. He had moved from simply a trader to owning his own trading desk for the biggest firm at their Asia Pacific desk. The nasty people back at that room had chosen to prove to Tom as well as the entire world that the exponential rise in his career has been all due to multiple counts of bribery and frauds. He believed otherwise. It was simply guile. It was simply gumption. He had done what his employers had wanted him to do and he had done something that is an unspoken widespread practice across the industry. However now that the SEC and US Judiciary system were involved he knew he had no out. Huge penalties were the least of his worries. He was assured that criminal charges with serious jail time in a high security prison were imminent. And all he had to do in order to bring that sentence down to huge penalties and one year at a white collar holding facility was to give out the names of all the other parties involved with him along with evidence. All he had to do was to rat out some of his closest associates over the course of last fifteen years and his beloved brother in law.

His brother in law, Zhen, had been fresh out of MBA College learning the ropes among the most aggressive sharks in the Hong Kong exchange. Tom had singled him out for his purpose due to his innocence and palpable dumbness. Zhen was too green at the outset to understand that he was being used and later on when he figured it out he had protested vehemently. However, by that time Tom had learnt the valuable lesson in life on how to manipulate others into giving you exactly what he wanted. Two years of working Zhen, Tom had met his beautiful sister Jinchun. Tom fell in love and they embarked on a wonderful relationship. This year would have marked their 8^th anniversary, which means he had known Zhen for the last ten years. This means he had used Zhen for the last ten years.

When the deal was first presented to him Jinchun was beside him. She had burst in tears as she realized what it meant for her young brother. When Zhen had heard the details of the deal from Tom, he too had burst in tears. Tom had fought hard with everyone to try and get the sentence reduced for everyone he names and the response he had got was – Buddy, we need to show everyone we screwed someone. It is either you or them.

After about twenty minutes of being lost in his chain of thoughts he heard a knock on the door. He opened the door and found his lawyer standing there. He looked at Tom keenly. Tom did not meet his eyes; his sight was focussed at the floor. He whispered – It is not going to be me.